Monday, March 13, 2017


I confess that I do something that I'll call SLOW-MOTION MOUTH,

I pause my TV, and then move the image forward in slow-motion to see contortions on the mouths of persons speaking.
I know that it's an eccentric quirk.
I guess I should go get some therapy, or go to a rehab center.
In the meantime, I will continue to PAUSE THE MOUTH.


I like to make noise makers out of empty boxes.
Small boxes work best.
Like those small raisin boxes.


I don't remember my last confession in a Catholic church.
On my next one I'll say, “Bless me father, I don't remember when I gave my last confession.”


As a young boy I searched trash barrels for peanut butter jars, then I ate what was left inside of them.
I know, gross.
I recently read that bacteria doesn't grow easily in peanut butter.
Lucky for me, or I might have died from food poisoning.


After I learned that Ernest Hemingway didn't wear underwear, I started doing the same.
I think it was only for a few months.
This occurred when I was living on a tropical island.
I also briefly stopped using commercial deodorants.
I know...


When I was living in my cottage at Chautauqua
Park, I took a cat down into the city, thinking it would be a better life for him.
I called him black spring.
(This was when I was reading a lot of Henry Miller.)
Anyway, he returned to my cottage after a week.
He had walked about two miles.
Black spring couldn't meow, but he sure had a good sense of smell, or at least a sense to find his way back to my back door.


Friday, March 03, 2017


Changing resources about 2.5-2 million years ago may have caused foraging behaviour to shift, leading early hominoids toward the coasts in search of food.


A side view of the 'zigzagging' sauropod vertebra from a species called Spinophorosaurus nigerensis. The zigzagging bones fit together like a puzzle piece to provide better grip to the bones so one part is not pulled off from the other.

Pictured is a 3D rendering of three Alamosaurus (sauropod's) moving as a herd alongside a tree line.

A 3-D rendering of a Diplodocus browsing a selection of trees with two Pteranodons flying overhead.

During one of my health-nut phases, I started to eat kelp.

This health-nut phase also included eating tons of baked potatoes, and drinking gallons of carrot juice.

I wasn't eating much meat or eggs.

I made a lot of cheese, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches.
In fact, sandwiches were my mainstay.

Seaweed was added as an added ingredient to boost my health.
Or so I believed.
My seaweed diet didn't last that long.

It's news to me now that if humans had not eaten seaweed, we may not have become who (or what) we are.

And what have we become?

Technological Savages, of course.

Blame it on the seaweed.


I've always wondered how dinosaurs with very long necks could have walked and talked (well, not talked).

The mystery appears to have been solved:

Sauropod dinosaurs had long necks and reached up to 50 meters in length. 
  • They weighed as much as 77 tons - 14 times the weight of an African elephant
  • They had special 'zigzagging' bones that fit together like pieces of a puzzle
  • This distributed their body weight over a larger area reducing stress at one point
  • The special spinal structure allowed them to have long necks and heavy bodies

    They also had an escalator in their necks to help the food move down their long throats.
    Just kidding.

Friday, February 24, 2017


"Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans and people of the world, thank you [and especially Vladimir Putin].

We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to
rebuild our country and restore its promise for all of our people. [Buy your gas masks now while they're available.]

Together we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. [We will watch oceans rise and the carbon footprint expand.]

We will face challenges. [We will challenge faces.] We will confront hardships, but we will get the job done. [And speaking of jobs, we will throw safety regulations out the window!]

Every four years we gather on these steps [as do the pigeons] to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power and we are grateful to President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent. Thank you.
[Forget that I ever questioned your legitimacy or said that you were not an American citizen.]

Today's ceremony, however, has very special meaning because, today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another, but we are transferring power from Washington, D.C., and giving it back to you, the people. [And to millionaires and billionaires such as myself.]

What truly matters is not which party controls our government, but whether our government is controlled by the people. January 20th, 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again.
[I am just an ego-maniacal, narcissistic billionaire.]
The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. [Just ignored]
Everyone is listening to you now.
[And surveillance cameras are watching you].
You came by the tens of millions to become part of an historic movement, the likes of which the world has never seen before. At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction that a nation exists to serve its citizens.
[Forget that your Medicare and Social Security benefits will decrease or disappear, or that your public schools may no longer be funded, or that Global Warming will flood your cities.] .
Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities [Let them live on a low minimum wage], rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation, an education system flush with cash [That I will flush down the toilet!]...this American carnage stops right here and stops right now.

We are one nation and their pain is our pain. Their dreams are our dreams and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home and one glorious destiny. [Do I sound like a fuhrer?]
We will shine for everyone to follow. [Buy a lot of aluminum foil.]
We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones and unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the earth. [We will also eradicate clean water and clean air, but we will create a lot of jobs.]
At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America and, through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. [I do sound like a fuhrer. Who is writing this stuff?]
Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger. In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is striving. We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action constantly complaining, but never doing anything about it. [Yes, I tweet, and I will continue to do so.]
The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Do not allow anyone to tell you that it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. We will not fail. Our country will thrive and prosper again.
[So says the fuhrer.]
We stand at the birth of a new millennium ready to unlock the histories of space, to free the earth from the miseries of disease and to harness the energies, industries, and technologies of tomorrow.
[But in the meantime we will unlock as much coal and petroleum as we can from the earth!]
Thank you. God bless you and god bless America. Thank you. God bless America."


Saturday, February 04, 2017


I lived in a small cottage in Chautauqua Park, Colorado.
The Park was located just below the Boulder Flatirons.

One afternoon I decided to take a nap on the mountain meadow close to my cabin.
I thought how peaceful and quiet it would be, and how I would relax on my day off from my job as a dishwasher.

I plopped myself down on the dry but soft meadow grass.
Ahh,” I said to myself. “Peace and quiet.”

Just then I heard sirens down below in the city of Boulder, and I thought to myself:
Good. I'm up here and the noise is down there.”

But the sirens did not stop.
In fact, the sound of the sirens got closer and closer.
Then fire trucks began steaming up the mountain.
Oh my gosh!
A fire is up here on the mountain”, I said to myself.

People came running from their cottages.
They were bringing shovels and and other objects to help put out the fire.
I quickly ran to my cottage and got my own shovel.
But by then the fire had been brought under control by the firefighters.
I returned to my cottage to relax from all of the excitement.


Tuesday, January 31, 2017


I looked into my mirror, and I saw myself as I looked millions of years ago.
Yes, I saw myself.
It was frightening.
I was shocked to learn that way back then I wouldn't have had an anus.
Actually, that's good news.
I wish it were true today.
I'm tired of pooping all of the time.


Sunday, January 22, 2017


I was the dishwasher at a small Mexican restaurant.
This restaurant made excellent cheese enchiladas and chile verde.
The secret was in the sauces.
These “secret” recipes came from the parents of the owner’s wife Suzy.
Rafael was the owner.
Ralph told me that he was once offered a million dollars for these secret recipes.

I began my mornings at the restaurant by shredding a couple boxes of lettuce.
While I shredded lettuce, two of the owner’s cousins and a waitress were doing other things.
Rafael usually arrived an hour or so after our arrival.
Paula was the name of the waitress.
Jesse and Jesus were the two cousins.

Jesse, a former boxer, was the older of the two cousins.
Jesse liked to drink, and he did so every night.
Consequently, he was groggy and slow-moving in the mornings, but always good-humored.

One morning while I was shredding lettuce there was a loud explosion.
I saw red (bean) steam roiling from the kitchen, and cousin Jesse was “roiling” in the same path as the red steam, screaming that he was burning from hot steam that had just issued from the exploding pot.
The larger of two bean pots exploded because its safety valve couldn’t open.
The valve couldn’t open because the exhaust fan hood was not high enough for the tall pot and its safety valve to fit under it.

Cousin Jesus had turned off the burner where the big bean pot was sitting, but cousin Jesse had turned the burner back on.
Jesse thought that he had turned the stove burner off, when in fact he had turned the flame back on.
Pressure continued to build and build until the pot exploded.
The top of the big bean pot is what blew off, and it shot like a missile through the exhaust fan hood and through the two-by-four rafters.
The big bean pot had nearly gone through the roof itself.
The roof of the restaurant was lifted, and all of the windows had shattered.
Fortunately, except for Jesse’s third-degree burns, no one was injured.

Pot pan handles were sticking out of stereo speakers.
All the dishes were broken.
Rice and beans plastered the walls.

Right after I had thrown cold water on Jesse’s steaming back---(I had yelled at him to remove his shirt, and when the water hit him he yelled that it was too cold!)---I started looking for Paula, calling out her name,
Where are you?”

I looked up at the ceiling to see if she had gotten stuck there from the explosion, but she was next door at a gas station, calling the fire department.

The restaurant was condemned.

I came in the next day to help clean up the mess, but
I stepped on a big nail, and so couldn’t work any longer.
Ralph the owner was kind enough to go with me to sign the unemployment papers that said I was separated from my employment through no fault of my own.

I returned to the restaurant many years later.
It had been rebuilt and was three times larger than the original.
The chile verde and enchiladas were still quite excellent.

I imagine the bean pots were safer, too.


Wednesday, January 04, 2017


The world could be set to end in October this year, when a giant mysterious planet called Nibiru (artist's impression pictured) collides with our own - according to one conspiracy theorist. Wisconsin-based David Meade, author of the book 'Planet X – The 2017 Arrival', believes a star, which he calls 'a binary twin of our sun' is coming 'at us towards the south pole'. He says the star will bring with it 'seven orbiting bodies', including Nibiru, a large, blue planet that he also refers to as Planet X hurtling towards our planet.

No need to worry about anything or anyone anymore.

The world is going to end this year (AGAIN!) in October.

Hopefully, that's enough time for the e.t.'s to show up and bare their breasts (if the females have breasts.)