Friday, February 24, 2017


"Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans and people of the world, thank you [and especially Vladimir Putin].

We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to
rebuild our country and restore its promise for all of our people. [Buy your gas masks now while they're available.]

Together we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. [We will watch oceans rise and the carbon footprint expand.]

We will face challenges. [We will challenge faces.] We will confront hardships, but we will get the job done. [And speaking of jobs, we will throw safety regulations out the window!]

Every four years we gather on these steps [as do the pigeons] to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power and we are grateful to President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent. Thank you.
[Forget that I ever questioned your legitimacy or said that you were not an American citizen.]

Today's ceremony, however, has very special meaning because, today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another, but we are transferring power from Washington, D.C., and giving it back to you, the people. [And to millionaires and billionaires such as myself.]

What truly matters is not which party controls our government, but whether our government is controlled by the people. January 20th, 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again.
[I am just an ego-maniacal, narcissistic billionaire.]
The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. [Just ignored]
Everyone is listening to you now.
[And surveillance cameras are watching you].
You came by the tens of millions to become part of an historic movement, the likes of which the world has never seen before. At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction that a nation exists to serve its citizens.
[Forget that your Medicare and Social Security benefits will decrease or disappear, or that your public schools may no longer be funded, or that Global Warming will flood your cities.] .
Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities [Let them live on a low minimum wage], rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation, an education system flush with cash [That I will flush down the toilet!]...this American carnage stops right here and stops right now.

We are one nation and their pain is our pain. Their dreams are our dreams and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home and one glorious destiny. [Do I sound like a fuhrer?]
We will shine for everyone to follow. [Buy a lot of aluminum foil.]
We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones and unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the earth. [We will also eradicate clean water and clean air, but we will create a lot of jobs.]
At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America and, through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. [I do sound like a fuhrer. Who is writing this stuff?]
Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger. In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is striving. We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action constantly complaining, but never doing anything about it. [Yes, I tweet, and I will continue to do so.]
The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Do not allow anyone to tell you that it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. We will not fail. Our country will thrive and prosper again.
[So says the fuhrer.]
We stand at the birth of a new millennium ready to unlock the histories of space, to free the earth from the miseries of disease and to harness the energies, industries, and technologies of tomorrow.
[But in the meantime we will unlock as much coal and petroleum as we can from the earth!]
Thank you. God bless you and god bless America. Thank you. God bless America."


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