The following is an abbreviated, fictitious version of President Obama's address to a joint session of Congress.
September 9, 2009
Madame Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, and the First Lady of the United States:
Please, please, stand up.
I need your support both on your feet, on your seat, and in your sleep.
Please, please...don't sit down yet, give me a few more moments of having you stand at my attention.
Alright, go ahead and be seated.
Since my remarks tonight concern health care, I encourage all members of Congress and all Americans---in fact, all members of the human race---to wash their hands a lot.
If we can beat the flu we might have a fighting chance to keep improving the economy and saving the planet.
Remember, a sick society is an unproductive society.
A sick world is not a productive world.
We need as many healthy citizens as possible to keep this economy and the world's growing.
On Health care, this nation can no longer wait to give all Americans guaranteed health care.
Insurance companies and pharmaceutical companies are going to have to bite the bullet.
Your profits are killing people.
We can no longer let you be killers.
Sell us your pain killers, but stop killing citizens with out-of-this world health costs.
All Americans should have health care---with or without a pre-existing medical condition.
Our nation can no longer let its citizens die just because they are unable to pay for their health care.
This is not socialism---this is good humanism.
I call upon Congressmen who have received political contributions from insurance companies or other entities---you must now do the courageous and correct thing:
Vote for and pass universal Public Health Care!
God bless you---God bless America---and wash your hands!