RIBBONS AND HEARTSTRINGS

[NOTE: The following is an abbreviated version of Ann Romney’s speech at the Republican National Convention.  I’ve added satire not to demean Mrs. Romney, but to contrast her heart strings with the crooked ribbons being spun by candidates Ryan and Romney.]

***

I want to talk to you tonight not about politics and not about party.

(But party animals unite!)

And while there are many important issues we'll hear discussed in this convention and throughout this campaign, tonight I want to talk to you from my heart about our hearts.

(When was the last time all of you had your cholesterol checked?)

I want to talk not about what divides us, but what holds us together as an American family.

(Offshore accounts?)

I want to talk to you tonight about that one great thing that unites us, that one thing that brings us our greatest joy when times are good, and the deepest solace in our dark hours.

(Television?)

Tonight I want to talk to you about love.

(Not lust.)

I want to talk to you about the deep and abiding love I have for a man I met at a dance many years ago. And the profound love I have, and I know we share, for this country.

(“All you need is love…all you need is lov…”!)

I want to talk to you about that love so deep only a mother can fathom it (Sorry about that all of you fathers) — the love we have for our children and our children's children.

And I want us to think tonight about the love we all share for those Americans, our brothers and sisters, who are going through difficult times, whose days are never easy, nights are always long, and whose work never seems done.

(Republicans are not bleeding hearts!)

They are here among us tonight in this hall (Dispel the notion that only rich donors are here); they are here in neighborhoods across Tampa and all across America. The parents (Normal men and women, not gay couples!) who lie awake at night side by side, wondering how they'll be able to pay the mortgage or make the rent…

I've been all across this country for the past year and a half and heard these stories of how hard it is to get ahead now. (You don’t live off the interest of your investments like Mitt and I do.) I've heard your voices: "I'm running in place," ''we just can't get ahead." (“Please tax the rich a little more.”)

Sometimes I think that late at night, if we were all silent for just a few moments and listened carefully, we could hear a great collective sigh from the moms and dads across America who made it through another day (Of info commercials), and know that they'll make it through another one tomorrow. But in that end of the day moment, they just aren't sure how.

(Keep the television on.)

And if you listen carefully, you'll hear the women sighing a little bit more than the men.

(They have to live with the men.)

It's how it is, isn't it?

It's the moms who always have to work a little harder, to make everything right.

(Be good, little housewives.  Bake some more cookies!)

It's the moms of this nation—single, married, widowed (No lesbians, please.)—who really hold this country together. We're the mothers, we're the wives, we're the grandmothers, we're the big sisters, we're the little sisters, we're the daughters.

You know it's true, don't you? You're the ones who always have to do a little more.
You are the best of America. You are the hope of America. There would not be an America without you.

(Why do we even need these men to be President and Vice-President?)

Tonight, we salute you and sing your praises.

I'm not sure if men really understand this, but I don't think there's a woman in America who really expects her life to be easy. In our own ways, we all know better!

(We gladly accept our roles as the servants to our bread-winning husbands!)

And that is where this boy I met at a high school dance comes in. His name is Mitt Romney and you really should get to know him.

(He’s a Mormon, and so he might marry you, too.)

I could tell you why I fell in love with him—he was tall, laughed a lot, was nervous—girls like that, it shows the guy's a little intimidated — and he was nice to my parents but he was really glad when my parents weren't around.

(I think you know why.)
That's a good thing. And he made me laugh.

I am the granddaughter of a Welsh coal miner who was determined that his kids get out of the mines.

(It was very dark and dirty down there!  Now I have Mitt.) 

IT’S THE OIL STUPID!