The following is a very abbreviated version of Sarah Palin’s CPAC Speech on 3-16-13. Words between parentheses are those of Mad Plato.
“…one reason I like Texans. They don’t mess around with our Second Amendment rights.
(But they do like to mess around!)
All this stuff coming lately from the White House to take away the good guys’ freedom, and, the right to protect ourselves with the most naive notion that the bad guys, who ignore the laws, that all of a sudden they’re going to follow some new laws.
(I’m back to speaking in ungrammatical sentences.)
(I know it makes some of you think of liars in another White House administration.)
It’s not about the bad guys. No, it’s all about the lead, like solely – that chunk of metal didn’t commit the crime. That’s like saying solely, that fork made me fat.
(Or that my brain made me stupid.)
And background checks, yeah, I guess to learn more about the person’s thinking and associations and intentions. More background checks? Dandy idea Mr. President – should have started with yours.
(If you say that’s racist, then all the power to you!)
[audience going wild]
Well, it’s great to be back at CPAC. I’m so happy to be here and it feels like it’s coming home even though (home for me is skinning fish, and shooting moose and wolves) it is only my second time here, but I kinda feel like I’m getting the hang of it already, I can spot those Liberal media folk here to write their annual Conservatives in Crisis story.
It is an honor to be here. We can come together folks for an adult conversation (that includes me) about the future of our country and heaven knows, we need this.
(Need what? A future for our country?)
So much of what passes for our national conversation is anything but.
(Or about my butt.)
Now we can’t just ignore though, that…we just lost a big election. We came in second out of two.
(I guess it is about the math.)
Second position on the dogsled team is where the view never changes and the view ain’t pretty.
(There’s a lot of blood spilling out of moose and wolves.)
We need to figure out then, our job.
(Mine was to resign.)
What will we do next?
(Should we bomb Iran or North Korea first?)
As we go about that, as we talk to one another, and listen to what the speakers have to say, let’s be clear about one thing, we’re not here to rebrand a party, we’re here to rebuild a country.
(We don’t want to rebrand the same ass…I mean the same elephant.)
We’re not here to put a fresh coat of rhetorical paint on our party.
(It’s already been white-washed.)
We are not here to abandon our principles in a contest of government give-aways.
(Like the treasury and lives that were given away to finance two deceitful wars.)
That’s a game we will never, ever win.
(Because war is not a game.)
We are here to restore American and the rest is just theatrics, the rest is just sound and fury.
(My writers picked that line out of Shakespeare for me. You betcha I’m going to read his stuff.)
You know I spend most of my time in heartland country, the heart of the heart of America and I have news for the permanent political class in Washington.
(That heart is filled with excessive amounts of cholesterol and triglycerides.)
Oh Bloomberg’s not around. Our Big Gulp’s okay. Shoot it’s just pop with low-cal ice cubes in it. I hope that’s okay. What did you think was in it?
(I stopped using LSD a long, long time ago.)
Seriously though, when we do see harm.
(Or sentence fragments.)
When we see life snuffed out through violent, evil acts, imagine leadership that doesn’t seek to exploit the tragedy.
(Like we did before and after September 11, 2011.)
It’s time we all stopped preaching to the choir and let’s grow…
(Pot and our hair long.)
Whether it’s green energy or free Obama phones or prophylactics, if you don’t have a team of lobbyists in DC or a cancelled contribution check, you’re not at the table – you’re on the menu.
(You bring the beer, and I’ll bring the moose and fish.)
…if We the People have one message to send to Washington, I’m sure it would be this: Get Over Yourself. It’s not about you.
(It’s about me.)
IT’S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES!