Press Conference by the President
James S. Brady Press Briefing Room
THE PRESIDENT:
Good morning. I hope you all enjoyed the holiday reception at the White House as much as Laura and I enjoyed it. We took an inventory of the silverware, and this year only a few pieces were missing (SINCE MY UNNECESSARY PRE-EMPTIVE WAR IN IRAQ HAVE TAKEN ALL OF THE OTHER PIECES).
Congress passed a good energy bill. The legislation I signed yesterday will reduce our country's dependence on foreign oil by increasing the supply of alternative fuel sources and increasing fuel economy standards. It demonstrates
(AND IT COMES SEVEN YEARS AFTER I WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT BECAUSE DICK'S FRIENDS AT HALLIBURTON AND MY OIL CRONIES WANTED TO MAKE AS MUCH DOUGH AS POSSIBLE FROM THAT BLACK GOLD!)
Finally, Congress reached agreement on a spending bill to fund the day-to-day operations of the federal government. They passed this bill without raising taxes.
(BUT YOU CAN BE AS CERTAIN AS MY WAR THAT TAXES WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE TO BE RAISED TO PAY FOR MY TWO TRILLION DOLLAR LIE!)
I hope the members of Congress enjoy their holiday break; I intend to enjoy mine. We have a great deal of work in the months ahead. Next year is an election year, but that does not relieve us of our responsibility to carry out the people's business. The American people did not elect us to govern in odd years (NOR ELECT ODD LEADERS TO GOVERN IN EVEN YEARS.)
They expect us to get things done. (LIKE SPYING ON THEM AND TAKING AWAY THEIR HABEUS CORPUS.)
And now I'll be glad to answer some of your questions, starting with AP man.
Q:
Mr. President, there's ambiguity in the statement that you have no recollection about the existence and destruction of the CIA interrogation tapes. Why can't you say yes or no about the tapes and their destruction? And regardless, do you think the destruction of the tapes was a responsible thing to do?
THE PRESIDENT:
It sounds pretty clear to me when I say I have -- the first recollection is when Mike Hayden briefed me. That's pretty clear (BUT CLARITY IS NOT NECESSARILY VERITY.)
Secondly, I am confident that the preliminary inquiry conducted by the AG and the IG of the CIA,
(I JUST LOVE THESE ACRONYMS!)
coupled with the oversight provided by the Congress (AND THANK GOODNESS THAT THEY SEE THAT ALL OF MY DEMANDS ARE MET OR ELSE) , will end up enabling us all to find out what exactly happened. And therefore, over the course of these inquiries and oversight hearings, I'm going to reserve judgment until I find out the full facts.
(SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT LIKE WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE VALERIE PLAME CASE, DOESN’T IT?)
I know I'm going to be asked about this question a lot as time goes on. I'm just going to prepare you; until these inquiries are complete, until the oversights are finished, then I will be rendering no opinion from the podium.
(OR FROM THE POOPDECK AND SLAUGHTERHOUSE)
Q:
Vladimir Putin has just been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. And he has signaled that he intends to become prime minister. You said once that he had been wily about his intentions, but now that he's made those clear, what does it say about the state of democracy in
THE PRESIDENT:
You know, I'm looking forward to seeing him (AND LOOKING INTO HIS EYES AND SEEING HIS SOUL AGAIN) at the alumni meeting of the "men of the year," or the "persons of the year." I don't know when it's going to be, but -- look, I presume -- I haven't read the article, but I presume they put him on there because he was a consequential leader. And the fundamental question is, consequential to what end? What will the country look like 10 years from now?
(AND WHAT WILL
My hope, of course, is that
(AMERICA WRITES A LOT OF CHECKS BUT DOESN'T DO ENOUGH BALANCING), and free and fair elections (WITHOUT TAMPERING WITH VOTING MACHINES OR INTERVENTION BY A SUPREME COURT), and a vibrant press (THAT DOESN'T KOWTOW TO THE CORPORATE STATE OR RUBBER STAMP ANY HEAD OF STATE’S ACTIONS); that they understand Western values based upon human rights and human dignity are values that will lead to a better country (A COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T TORTURE).
That's my hopes.
(AND IN CORRECT English, THOSE ARE MY HOPES.)
Q:
Mr. President, a year ago when you had your year-end press conference, the Democrats had just taken control of Congress; they said that one of their main goals was to end the war in Iraq, they were talking a lot about very contentious times ahead. As you just said, the Congress has now passed again, without strings, money for the war, and you've achieved a lot of your goals and have gotten a lot of things you wanted from Congress, without a lot of give-and-take with them by talking tough with firm veto threats. What does this say about the Democratic leadership, the way they're running Congress and your relations with the leaders?
THE PRESIDENT:
You know, I don't view -- I just don't view life as zero-sum (OR ZERO-DUMB).
So there's plenty of credit to go around (AND PLENTY MORE CREDIT TO SPEND).
And we got a lot of priorities for next year. And one of my priorities -- this is -- I understand this is a bone of contention, but one of the priorities is to make sure they don't run up the taxes on people (ONLY SPEND, SPEND, SPEND LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW). And my attitude is, if you run them up on one area, it will become a habit that will be hard to break, and then they'll try to run them up on other areas. (LIKE MY CAMELS AND ARMADILLOS DO WHEN I LET 'EM RUN LOOSE AT CRAWFORD).
And the reason I feel strongly about that is I don't want to undermine the economy by raising taxes
(THE ONLY UNDERMINING I'LL DO IS TO CONTINUE INCREASING THE PENTAGON’S EXPENDITURES.
AIN'T CREDIT JUST GREAT?)
Q:
Mr. President, despite the military success of the surge, there's no evidence that one of its intended benefits, making it easier for the Iraqis to form a unity government, has had any effect. Refugees won't come home from
THE PRESIDENT:
Well, first of all, I don't agree with your premise that there's no politics taking place in
(ARE THE SEWERS FUNCTIONING? ARE THE GENERATORS PRODUCING ENOUGH ELECRICITY? IS THERE A FUNCTIONING WATER SUPPLY SYSTEM?)
They did pass a budget last year, and they're in the process of passing their budget this year. I am pleased to report that there's been two readings of a de-Baathification law to the Council of Assemblies.
(I WONDER IF DE-BAATHIFICATION MEANS ONLY SHOWERS ARE ALLOWED?)
Q:
You've been in office for seven years now. You must have some pretty strong opinions about what it takes to sit in the Oval Office. What is important to you? Is experience in government important? Are a candidate's religious views important to you?
THE PRESIDENT:
What's important to me will be this: the principles by which people will make decisions.
(TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT MY PRINCIPLES.)
And I would be very hesitant to support somebody who relied upon opinion polls and focus groups to define a way forward for a President.
(OR SUPPORT SOMEBODY WHO RELIED ON TAKING ORDERS FROM GOD TO DEFINE A WAY FORWARD...OH, I FORGET, THAT'S WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING.)
And secondly I would say, how do you intend to get advice from people you surround yourself -- who are you going to surround yourself with?
(WILL IT BE WITH LIARS AND SCAPEGOATS?)
Because whoever sits in that Oval Office is going to find this is a complex world, with a lot of issues coming into the Oval Office -- a lot -- and a great expectation in the world that the United States take the lead. And so my question would be, how do you intend to set up your Oval Office so that people will come in and give their advice?
(WHEN I'M AT THE RANCH I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ALL OF THIS.)
Q:
It sounds like you think the principles are more important than experience or specific religious views.
THE PRESIDENT:
No, sometimes you develop your principles as a result of experience.
(AS I HAVE DONE.)
I just want to know whether or not somebody has got a sound set of principles from which they will not deviate as they make decisions that will affect the peace and security of our country
(MY OWN DEVIANT DECISIONS HAVE GREATLY AFFECTED THE PEACE AND SECURITY OF OUR COUNTRY AND THE WORLD.)
Q:
Thank you, Mr. President. Good morning.
You've announced a review of the situation in
THE PRESIDENT:
It is -- it makes sense for us to constantly review our strategies in a variety of theaters (SPEAKING OF THEATERS, HOW ABOUT THAT NEW MOVIE WITH WILL SMITH? GOTTA SEE THAT ONE.)
That's what -- that's what good governance is: You analyze the situation a year after the previous strategy to determine whether or not -- what worked and what didn't work
(AND YOU KEEP ANALYZING THE SITUATION YEAR AFTER YEAR UNTIL THE STRATEGY STARTS TO WORK; AND IF A STRATEGY DOESN’T WORK, YOU KEEP ANALYZING IT, YOU KEEP CATAPULTING THE PROPAGANDA.)
Now, it takes a while for societies that have been brutalized by tyranny and wracked by war to meet expectations. So the questions I ask on
(OR DEATH)
And of course, we press their governments to work to come together and get budgets passed, or in Iraq's case, de-Baathification law (TAKE THOSE SHOWERS!) or oil laws.
(MORE MONEY FOR OUR CORPORATIONS!)
And those are all important. But also what's important is the human condition
(LIKE THE CONDITION IN WHICH MILLIONS OF IRAQIS HAVE LEFT THEIR HOMES IN IRAQ AND THE HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS WHO HAVE DIED BECAUSE I WRACKED WAR UPON THEIR COUNTRY TO LIBERATE THEM FROM A BRUTAL TYRANNY).
Q:
Mr. President, thank you. If I could return a minute to the CIA tapes. I realize you don't want to discuss it at this point, but given your remarks about the struggle against ideology, how concerned are you that your administration once again faces criticism, questions from people around the world about the handling of a terrorist suspect?
THE PRESIDENT:
You know, you're trying to get me to prejudge the outcome of this inquiry. And let's wait and see what happens. Let's wait and see what the facts are. And -- look, we get criticized a lot for a variety of reasons. We're asking people to do hard things, for starters, which is intercept and find terrorists and to spread freedom
(NOT MANURE.)
And there's isolationist tendencies in this world.
(MY UNILATERAL PRE-EMPTIVE WAR IN
People would rather stay at home.
(OR STAY AT THE RANCH LIKE I DO.)
People would rather not aggressively pursue people overseas (AS I HAVE DONE), and aggressively pursue freedom.
I understand that. We got people like that in our own country.
(I GOT WORK MORE WORK TO DO ON MY GRAMMAR, TOO.)
And the fundamental question facing whoever sits in the Oval Office is, will you use the influence of the United States to advance a freedom agenda to help others realize the blessings of liberty and yield peace?
(OR USE BOMBS AND DEPLETED URANIUM WEAPONS TO ADVANCE THE DESTRUCTION OF THEIR COUNTRY AND CITIZENS?)
So I don't want people to get the wrong impression of our country. (EVEN THOUGH I HAVE GIVEN THEM ONE.)
Listen, thank you all. Have a wonderful holiday season. Appreciate it.
IT'S THE OIL STUPID!
From
Dickheads of the Year
My picks for the biggest assholes of 2007 by Bill Maher
Come on, no list of assholes and fuck-ups could be complete without the Dipshit in Chief. Who will tell this president what everyone but him already knows? The theory of evolution. And the times tables. And where the sun goes at night. And that Iraq is going to be three different countries. And that everyone hates us and we've run our military into the ground and the Taliban is back and we still haven't caught bin Laden and the economy is tanking and we wasted eight years blowing the oil companies while the Earth is melting. We had a pretty nice house when this Cat in the Hat of presidents came in and made the mess of all time. And who's going to clean it all up — Rudy Giuliani?
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