Thursday, July 24, 2008

URINARY POWERS AND IMMACULATE DECEPTION


Bush Lawyer:

Mr. President, you don’t need to worry about anyone in your administration doing time in prison. You can just pardon them now. All crimes can be pardoned by you in advance.

George W. Bush:

That’s right. I’m the Executing Decider with Urinary powers.

Bush Lawyer:

Yes sir.

George W. Bush:

I can retire with my legacy intact.

Bush Lawyer:

Yes sir.

George W. Bush:

Democrats and Republicans are eating out of my hands.

I got away with murder.

God told me to do it.

Bush Lawyers:

Yes sir.

George W. Bush:

O.K. I’m giving Dick some very good com-

Munication.

Bush Lawyer: Yes sir.

With six months to go before President Bush leaves office, the White House is receiving a flurry of pardon applications. The New York Times reported that "several members of the conservative legal community" are pushing for the White House to grant pre-emptive pardons for officials involved in counterterrorism programs. Wait—can a president really pardon someone who hasn't even been charged with a crime?

Yep. In 1866, the Supreme Court ruled in Ex parte Garland that the pardon power "extends to every offence known to the law, and may be exercised at any time after its commission, either before legal proceedings are taken, or during their pendency, or after conviction and judgment." (In that case, a former Confederate senator successfully petitioned the court to uphold a pardon that prevented him from being disbarred.) Generally speaking, once an act has been committed, the president can issue a pardon at any time—regardless of whether charges have even been filed.

From Pre-emptive Presidential Pardons

Can you be pardoned for a crime before you're ever charged?


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