Below is a transcript of Sarah Palin’s speech on Friday, July 3, 2009 in Wasilla, Alaska, as she announced that she would be resigning as governor, as recorded by The New York Times.
Words between brackets are by Mad Plato.
I appreciate you all being here and I just want to say hi to Alaska [And Russia], I appreciate speaking directly to the people that I serve, as governor [And as a rifle-toting soccer mom].
And I thank you all for coming here today on the shores of Lake Lucille [Any Little Richard fans out there?]. This is a source of inspiration for my family and for me. And I’m thankful that Todd flew in last night from commercial fishing grounds in Bristol Bay to stand by my side as always [smelling somewhat rank and randy].
It’s the eve of our celebration [or destruction] of independence as a nation. It’s a time to remember our nation’s dear souls who sacrificed so selflessly so that we all may live in freedom. From the shores of Maine to Texas and California to the tip of Barrow [And my barrel], we live in peace because centuries ago so many fought for something far greater than themselves [something called Land and Oil]. And so many continue to fight for us today and so I say, God bless our military on this eve of Independence Day.
Well, people who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing is more important to me than our beloved Alaska [And her bears, moose, and wolves]. Serving her people is the greatest honor that I could imagine.
Alaska’ mission: to contribute to America. We’re strategic in the world as the air crossroads of the world [and for Vladimir Putin], as a gatekeeper of the continent. And bold visionaries, they knew this [without using hallucinatory drugs or steroids]. And they knew that Alaska would be part of America’s great destiny. This land blessed with clean air and water and wildlife and minerals and oil and gas [and me]. It’s energy. God gave us energy [and we gave ourselves gas…and Alka- Seltzer].
We’re doing so well, my administration. My administration’s accomplishments, they speak for themselves [So why do I need to talk about them?].
We took government out of the dairy business. We put it back into the private-sector’s hands [Around swollen udders] where it should be.
You don’t hear much about the good stuff in the press anymore, though, do you? Some say things changed for me on August 29th last year — the day that John McCain tapped me to be his running mate [My wardrobe changed]. And it was an honor to stand beside a true American hero. I say others changed [their boxers or briefs?].
Political operatives descended on Alaska last August, digging for dirt [When they should’ve been digging for oil].
If I’ve learned one thing it’s that life is about choices and one chooses how to react to circumstances [Just look at how I reacted to David Letterman]. You can choose to engage in things that tear down or that build up and I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity [and will continue to shoot wolves and moose.] I choose not to tear down and waste precious time [like now] but to build up this state and our great country and her industrious and generous and patriotic and free people.
[Get ready for a very long and tortuous sentence fragment.]
Life is too short [but I’m not] to compromise time and resources and though it may be tempting and more comfortable to just kind of keep your head down and plod along and appease those who are demanding [Demanding what?], hey, just sit down and shut up [But why should I?]. But that’s a worthless, easy path out. That’s a quitter’s way out. And I think a problem in our country today is apathy [and idiopathy]. It would be apathetic to just kind of hunker down and go with the flow. We’re fishermen and we know that only dead fish go with the flow [But don’t live fish swim downstream as well? I need to do more research].
[Get ready for a very long sentence that contains a lot of ANDS]
And I’ll work very hard for others who still believe in free enterprise and smaller government and strong national security for our country and support for our troops and energy independence and for those who will protect freedom and equality and life [AND don’t believe Samuel Johnson when he said that "Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel."].
I will support others who seek to serve in or out of office [Mine or theirs], and I don’t care what party they’re in or no party at all [Just as long as I’m the life of the party], inside Alaska or outside of Alaska.
But I won’t do it from the governor’s desk [Or on it]. I’ve never believed that I nor anyone else needs a title to do this…So I choose for my state and for my family more freedom to progress all the way around [In and out…Up and down].
So that Alaska will progress [And not regress], I will not seek re-election as governor. And so as I thought about this announcement, that I wouldn’t run for re-election and what that means for Alaska, I thought about, well, how much fun some governors have as lame ducks [These vocal Wasilla ducks sure aren’t lame]. They [The politicians not the ducks] maybe travel around their state, travel to other states, maybe take their overseas international trade missions. So many politicians do that. And then I thought, that’s what wrong. Many just accept that lame duck status and they hit the road [or fly and then waddle about lamely], they draw a paycheck, they kind of milk it, and I’m not going to put Alaskans through that [I prefer shooting---not milking].
With this announcement that I’m not seeking re-election, I’ve determined it’s best to transfer the authority of governor to Lieutenant Governor Parnell. And I am [not humbly] willing to do this so that this administration [mine] with its positive agenda and its accomplishments and its successful road to an incredible future for Alaska so that it can continue [like this long, run-on sentence fragment] without interruption [except for this one] and with great administrative and legislative success.
[Let me take a deep breath.]
My choice is to take a stand and effect change and not just hit our head [You see, Alaska…you, me, and America are all attached to one big head] against the wall… Rather we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time [Not just space], on another scale [not just the fishy kind], and actually make a difference for our priorities---and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans [and for my run for the Presidency in 2012].
Let me go back quickly to a comfortable analogy for me---sports, basketball [Even though I’m a soccer mom]. And I use it because you are naïve [If that sounds like an insult---too bad] if you don’t see a full-court press from the national level picking away right now. A good point guard, here’s what she does. She drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her head up because she needs to keep her eye on the basket [Not on her big feet]. And she knows exactly when to pass the ball [And her title and responsibility as governor] so that the team can win. And that is what I’m doing---keeping our eye [You see again how we have the same eye---OUR EYE---in the same head] on the ball that represents sound priorities---you remember they include energy independence and smaller government and national security and freedom!
[And ice cream, baseball, mother, and apple pie all wrapped inside the flag!]
And I know when it’s time to pass the ball for victory [And for my Presidential campaign!].
And I’ve given my reasons now, very candidly, truthfully [And unctuously and superciliously]. And my last day won’t be for another few weeks so the transition will be very smooth [Like creamy peanut butter].
And I really don’t want to disappoint anyone with this announcement [But I guess I think I might have if I need to say that I didn’t want to], not with the decision that I have made. My decision [Not my other personality’s or Todd’s]. All I can ask is that you trust me with this decision and know that it is no more politics as usual [Just the usual politics].
And some Alaskans it seemed today, maybe they don’t mind wasting public dollars and state time but I do [Boy, this last sentence sounds awkward]. And I cannot stand here [Nor sit] as your governor and allow the millions of dollars and all that time go to waste just so that I can hold the title of governor. Some are going to question the timing of this [And the motives]. And let me must say that this decision has been in the works for a while [Just don’t ask why]. In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, prayer and consideration [I forget which one was first]. And finally I polled the most important people in my life, my kids, where the count was unanimous [not anonymous]. Well, in response to asking: “Do you want me to make a positive difference and fight for all our children’s future from outside the governor’s office?” It was four yeses [This word looks strange] and one “hell yeah!” And the “hell yeah” sealed it---and someday I’ll talk about the details of that [Boy, this is one secretive but steamy non sequitur].
And we can all learn from our selfless, selfless troops. These troops and their important missions now, there is where truly the worthy causes are in this world and that’s where our public resources should be our public priority with time and resources spent on that [Another run-on sentence], not on this superficial, wasteful political bloodsport [War is bloody, but it’s not a sport]. So may we all learn from them [If they survive].
Really, we’ve just got to put first things first [And not second things second]. And first things first as governor, I love my job and I love Alaska [And power…and time to write my book…and money...and the 2012 Presidency]. And it hurts [But not as much as it gives me pleasure] to make this choice but I’m doing what’s best for Alaska [And for me…and you…my family…America…and the world], and I have explained why [But don’t ask me why]. Though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator [At least I think it’s a refrigerator], a little magnet that says, “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”
But I’ve given my reasons. It’s no more politics as usual [Or lies as usual that are repeated] and I’m taking my fight for what’s right for Alaska in a new direction […to Washington, D.C].
Now, despite this, I sure don’t want anyone, any Alaskan dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this real climate change that began in August [You see, I do believe the climate has changed, but I still say, “Drill, baby, drill”]. No, we need hardworking, average Americans fighting for what’s right. And I will support you because we need you and you can effect change, and I can [affect change] too on the outside.
We need those who will respect our Constitution where government’s supposed to serve from the bottom up [Not the head down], and not move toward this top down [What the heck does this mean?] big government takeover but rather will be protectors of individual rights---[Just not for those on the left] who also have enough common sense to acknowledge when conditions have drastically changed and are willing to call an audible and pass the ball [Don’t they do this in football? Wasn’t I using basketball as my analogy? Oh well…] when it’s time so the team can win. And that’s what I’m doing [playing basketball and soccer].
Remember Alaska, America is now, more than ever, looking north to the future [But I’m looking East]. And it’ll be good [What do I mean by good?]. So God bless you, and from me and from my family to all Alaska, you have my heart [But not my brain].
And we’re going to be in really great hands, the capable [Not culpable] hands of our lieutenant governor, Sean Parnell. And Lt. Gen. Craig Campbell then will assume the role of lieutenant governor. And it is my promise to you that I will always be standing by, ready to assist [Just call me when you want some wolves and moose thinned out].
Take the words of General MacArthur. He said: “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.” [East…not West...to Washington, D.C.]