DON'T CALL ME I'LL CALL YOU

 

"Your phone is tapped, but I'm not listening."

NSA :

O.K. Let's try our other method of phone bugging. Neither Snowden nor President Obama know about this one.

Let's see what we've got.

 

 

 

 

Chancellor Merkel:

Hello Mr. President, how is your pasta these days?

 

Giorgio Napolitano:

Ciao Chancellor Merkel.

My pasta is excellent.

How is your bratwurst?

Chancellor Merkel:

Tasty, tasty.

Hold on, Giorgio, President Nieto of Mexico is calling.

President Nieto, hola!

How is your chile verde these days?

 

President Nieto:

Hola Chancellor Merkel!

My chile verde is delicious, and waiting for you to eat!

 

 

Chancellor Merkel:

Thank you President Nieto.

I look forward to that.

 

 

NSA:

O.K.

That's enough.

This must be some kind of subterfuge, because all they're talking about is food.

Let's break for lunch.

 

 

IT'S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES!

TRICK OR TREAT?

 

Ghouls, ghosts, and witches---I mean the United States Congress---have already tricked and treated us, and our turkeys are next in line to get their axe.

*

Halloween was always one of my favorite times, just as it is one of if not the most favorite time for dentists and candy companies.

Forget that sugar is bad for us, or that it feeds cancer cells.

We love our sweets!

All of history has always loved sweets!

*

I hesitate to buy all of the candy necessary to hand out this Thursday night, as poor as I am, but I still might fork out the twenty-five or thirty bucks needed.

I always buy the candy that I like, so I don’t get so depressed spending a small fortune on future cavities and carcinomas.

*

One Halloween when I was thirteen, my mom forced me to “dress up” as a girl.

Mom used to say after I had spent such a long time in front of the bathroom mirror combing my hair, “You should have been a girl”.

I guess she had that in mind when I was costumed as a girl.

It was a strange idea, but I knew I wanted candy, so I didn't argue.

The couple in a house across the street was giving out caramel corn balls. 

The husband and I used to play catch on weekends.

  He was a softball pitcher.  His balls came at me very fast, but I was a very good catcher.  I stuffed this huge catcher’s mitt with newspapers to cushion the impact of the fast-moving balls.

But he didn’t know me this Halloween night.

I removed my dress and put on a white sheet, and went back to get me another corn ball!

*

I felt like murdering people who handed out pennies.

*

One Halloween I was ready to call it quits for the night, but went to this apartment for one last handout.

The man handed me a gallon jug of apple cider that was about half-full.

I took it home and gave it to my mom.

She said that it had gone sour.

I wanted to go back and murder the apple cider man.

*

America.

What a country!

The home of beer, big Macs…

AND CANDY!

 

IT’S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES!

 

                             

ODDS ENDS AND PET PEEVES

 

 

I used to think that the gecko in Geico commercials was really cute.

But I’m sick of this gecko.

Sorry.

*

Do you ever get tired of hearing sports announcers say, “There’s still time” or “There’s plenty of time.”

*

I’m fed up with ordering from the fast-food drive-thru, then finding out that what they gave me is not what I ordered.

I try to enunciate clearly, but the order that I get is sometimes wrong.

One morning at the Golden Arches, I ordered an egg McMuffin and some hash browns, and then drove away without checking my order.

When I got to work, I had a sundae in my bag.

*

A local radio station once had a contest where people had to figure out what the fast-food person was mumbling.

I figured it out, and won a free breakfast.

*

I’m tired of having to listen people on their cell phones who practically scream when they talk.

 Please, cell phone users, lower your voices.

I really don’t want to hear what you’re saying.

*

How about when you turn your turn signal on to change lanes, and then the driver in the vehicle behind you quickly enters the lane!

*

On the home front:

Replace the toilet tissue roll when you’ve used up the other one. 

Make sure lids are screwed tight on jars so that they don’t go flying out of the next person’s hands.

Replace the cap on the tube of toothpaste.

Sweep the kitchen floor at least once a year.

 

 

IT’S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES!

 

 

 

 

BLOW UP THE TV

 

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t watch much television.

I never have.

*

I missed the final episodes of Breaking Bad.

I know.

Unbelievable.

I have never watched Dancing with the Stars.

I confess to watching the late night talk shows (the next day).

I used to watch 60 Minutes occasionally.

I sometimes watch Jeopardy now, but this show makes me see how little I know, especially in the areas of history and geography.

*

While serving as a Peace Corps volunteer in Afghanistan, teaching English at Kabul University, I’d go “home” to my cozy abode, a big house where I used only two rooms, one for my bedroom and one for my kitchen.

NO TV.

I had an old cassette player with a few beat-up cassettes that I rarely listened to.

But NO iPod.  No iPad.  No Mp3.  No cell phone.

NO TV.

I had the sweetest and clearest dreams I’ve ever had.

I would wake up at all times during the night, reach over to my portable typewriter and type my dreams.

I misspelled a lot of words not only because I was half-asleep, but because I couldn’t edit my spelling in the darkness!

I did that the next day.

I was often shocked at what I had written.

*

I attended a university for five years.

NO TV.

*

Lately, I just read.

I’ve read many novels by Dean Koontz the past few months.

This guy has an imagination that doesn’t quit, and he’s such a good writer!

*

I watch the NBA Playoffs.

I watch the Super Bowl.

I watch the Academy Awards.

But that’s about it.

I’m probably hurting the economy since I don’t watch all of those commercials.

 

IT’S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES!


*

Spanish Pipedream (AKA Blow Up Your TV) Lyrics

She was a level-headed dancer on the road to alcohol
And I was just a soldier on my way to Montreal
Well, she pressed her chest against me
About the time the juke box broke
Yeah, she gave me a peck on the back of the neck
And these are the words she spoke

Blow up your TV, throw away your paper
Go to the country, build you a home
Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches
Try an' find Jesus on your own

Well, I sat there at the table and I acted real naive
For I knew that topless lady had something up her sleeve
Well, she danced around the bar room
And she did the hoochy-coo
Yeah, she sang her song all night long
Tellin' me what to do

Blow up your TV, throw away your paper
Go to the country, build you a home
Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches
Try an' find Jesus on your own

Well, I was young and hungry
And about to leave that place
When just as I was leavin'
Well she looked me in the face

I said, "You must know the answer"
She said, "No but I'll give it a try"
And to this very day we've been livin' our way
Here is the reason why

We blew up our TV, threw away our paper
Went to the country, built us a home
Had a lot of children, fed 'em on peaches
They all found Jesus on their own

 

 John Prine

Published by

 SOUR GRAPES MUSIC;WALDEN MUSIC, INC.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DON’T BUG ME

 

Flour Made From Insects Will Feed Underfed Populations

Sept. 30, 2013

By JOANNA PRISCO via Good Morning America

 

http://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/flour-made-insects-feed-underfed-populations/story?id=20402024

 

*

“A new United Nations report say the health benefits of consuming nutritious insects could help fight obesity and world hunger.”

http://news.yahoo.com/un-says-eating-insects-could-fight-hunger-200137381.html

*

 

Yes, we’ve heard this before, that bugs are nutritional, and that they are in fact filled with more protein per weight than are our hoofed brethren, or the flightless fowl.

Squash the creepy crawlies, add spices and sauté or fry them, then put the scrumptious insect gallimaufry between buns or in a tortilla, and enjoy!

Don’t ask what is in your hot dog, hamburger or taco.

Just eat it, dammit.

You’re too fat, and you know it.

What you know would hurt you if you knew it.

Better to not know and just enjoy it.

It, here, means of course, your food.

As long as my food is not moving and I don’t see any eyeballs, I’m happy.

Good music also helps.

There will be new restaurants with names like The Anteater and Taco Cucaracha, without any pictures of ants or cockroaches.

Let the names do the talking.

Let the customers do the munching.

 

IT’S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES…AND BUGS!

 

GREAT ENOUGH TO NOT FAIL?

 

 

 

 “If I was in the Senate now, I’d kill myself."

 

 Chris Christie

 

 

 

"Republican radicals generally reject the scientific consensus on climate change; many of them reject the theory of evolution, too. So why expect them to believe expert warnings about the dangers of default? Sure enough, they don’t: the G.O.P. caucus contains a significant number of  'default deniers,'  who simply dismiss warnings about the dangers of failing to honor our debts."

From Rebels Without a Clue by Paul Krugman.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/30/opinion/krugman-rebels-without-a-clue.html?hp

Joe Biden quite often holds his hands together as if he’s praying.

 He does this when he’s sitting at a table with cabinet members that are meeting with President Obama.

And who can blame Joe for praying?

The GOP makes anyone want to pray…

And throw things at them!

The GOP:

It’s not a party.

It’s not grand.

But it is old.

It’s also no wonder that speaker John Boehner is always about to cry, or is.

His caucus (among other things) has become a constant pain to his rumpus and the nation’s.

Sniveling and caviling all the time!

Boehner should be the color blue, not orange.

Then there’s the loquacious Joe Cruz.

He’ll be run out of town before he can ever run for president.

I haven’t been to a carnival, and I don’t need to while there is a U.S. Congress.

I’ve never lived on a farm, but I’ll bet farm animals are better behaved (and smell better) than many senators and congressmen, who want to sell the farm instead of cultivating it.

As the TV entertains, Rome burns.

Keep paying those taxes.

Tomorrow will still be another day.

 

 

IT'S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES!

 

 

 

JUST A THOUGHT OR FIVE

 

Raise the debt ceiling.  Go ahead, raise it.  More.  More.

*

 

Don’t shut down the government.  (Hasn’t it been shut down for awhile now?)

*

Don’t go to war anymore with any country unless they bomb the United States, and we know exactly who the bombers are, instead of just pointing fingers at 19 men with box cutters.

 

*

Leave Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber alone.  Let them make fools of themselves if they want to.  They are still young.  They will outgrow their weird behavior.  And if they don’t, so what?

 

*

 

Cher and Madonna should be in a movie together.  I don’t know why.

*

Don’t put a chicken in every pot.  Put pot in every chicken.  If the chicken nuggets don’t taste that good, at least you’ll get high.

 

IT'S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Are Lobsters Blue, and Why Does Cooking Turn Them Red?

 

Victoria Roberts

 

The above question is the title of a recent New York Times article. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/17/science/why-are-lobsters-blue-and-why-does-cooking-turn-them-red.html?ref=science

A couple of my friends are lobsters, and so I showed them this article.

 I recorded their brief conversation:

ROB:

Why Are Lobsters Blue, and Why Does Cooking Turn Them Red?

Just what kind of question is that?

MARY:

Yeah, what kind of question is it?

They’ve got to be kidding? 

You want to know why we’re blue and then turn red? 

I’LL TELL YOU WHY.

 We’re blue because we know that soon we’ll be killed in a boiling pot of hot water! 

We turn red because WE’RE IN THAT BOILING POT OF WATER!

ROB:

Right.

 Hey Mary, let’s get the heck out of here before our blue butts start turning red!

MARY:

O.K.

Just let me get my sweater, I think it’s cold outside.

 

ROB:

Skip the sweater!

I hear our killers coming!

MARY:

O.K.

Let’s skedaddle!

 

IT’S ABOUT RENEWABLE RESOURCES!