VIVA VIAGRA!

It’s early in the morning.
I’m typing and free-associating words:

All that glitters is not gold;
Outward show is a poor substitute for inner worth;
Beauty is only skin-deep;
Stressed-out hens don’t lay eggs.

O.K.
I feel a little better.
The free association is over for now.

Now for some odds and ends that I've heard and jotted down during these final hours of the race to the White House, with my own literary genius between brackets:

THE SEPTIC TANK HAS OVERFLOWN!
[Miss Wasilla!]

WE CHOOSE LIBERTY AND DEMOCRACY!
[Pal-in’ around with Slander and False Accusation!]

PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!
[Glossy-Lipped and Glassy-Eyed]

COUNTRY FIRST!
[Viva Viagra!]

SHE CAN LAY A THOUSAND EGGS!
[She's as loose as a moose!]

THE SALMON ARE SWIMMING DOWNSTREAM!
[They created a monster!]

SHE’S GOIN’ ROGUE!
[Winky!
Blinky!
&
Slinky!]


IT’S THE ELECTION STUPID!


***



MYTH: "We...championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress."
Sarah Palin in convention speech

FACT: As mayor, employed a lobbyist who also worked for Jack Abramoff to secure $27 million in pork spending for Wasilla — more than $4,000 per resident. In her two years as governor, requested $453 million in earmarks. Alaska ranks first in the nation for pork, raking in seven tim
es the national average.




MYTH: "I found ... someone who stopped government from wasting taxpayers' money."
John McCain on Sarah Palin

FACT: Signature accomplishment as mayor: building a $15 million hockey arena that plunged the city into debt. Broke ground on the project without finalizing the city's purchase of the land; the resulting fiasco cost Wasilla $1.3 million — roughly $200 per resident.




MYTH: "She's from a small town with small-town values."
Fred Thompson in convention speech


FACT: Wasilla and the surrounding valley recently named the meth capital of Alaska, with 42 meth labs busted in a single year.




MYTH: "She's been to Kuwait. She's been over there. She has been with her troops. The National Guard that she commands, who have been over there and had the experience."
John McCain

FACT: Never had a passport before 2007, when she made a brief photo-op trip to visit troops in Germany and Kuwait. Has never been to Iraq, and has not met a single foreign head of state.



MYTH: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending."
Sarah Palin in convention speech

FACT: As governor, sought travel reimbursement for 312 nights she spent in her own home.

OF DOMICILES

Nothing awakens a reminiscence like an odor.
Victor Hugo

It was an estate sale.

When I entered the house, I immediately felt like I wanted to retch.

The smell inside was an unpleasant sour smell, an odor that I couldn’t put my hands on, but I later remembered another time and place that had had the same odor.

It was my second semester at the university.

I had received a grant of $500, and I wanted to stretch this money as far as I possibly could.

When I searched the ads for APARTMENTS TO RENT, I saw ROOM FOR RENT.

I don’t remember the exact words in the ad, but it went something like:

“Single room. No food or cooking. No pets. No guests. $35 per month.”

I went to the house and a frail woman appeared at the door.

After I told her that I wanted to see the room, she seemed to trust me, and said to enter.

When I entered---

There was that same SOUR SMELL.

It was the odor of the ages.

It was the scent of a (VERY OLD ) woman.

I was almost blind, but my nose was not.

I tried not to reveal to the old woman that my olfactory faculties were in high gear.

I followed her down a hallway that went past her kitchen.

We turned right, and the room was the first door on the right.

It was a small and dark space, but I didn’t care, because the rent was cheap and it was at least a roof over my head.

I told the old woman I'd take the room.

I promptly bought one hot plate, and stocked the closet with cans of food.

The old woman must have known that I had broken one of her “house rules”, but she never said anything to me.

I didn’t take baths, because the bathtub had a hole in it.

That’s where the old woman’s dog slept.

I went to the recreation center on campus and took my showers.

I rarely spoke to the old woman, but during the first week of my residence in her odoriferous abode, she told me that she was a widow, and that her husband had been a sociology professor, and that she had been one of the first camera operators for silent films.

After that, we never spoke to each other again.

The most salient thing that I remember (besides the sour and acrid smell of the house)---and her cats---was her tea kettle whistling every morning.

It became the high-pitched “alarm clock” and reveille that woke me up each morning.

I broke one other house rule.

I brought home a guest.

She was a student in my Epistemology class, and one day in class she started rubbing her leg on mine.

I am sure that my professor noticed this amorous touching.

She gave me a ride to my room in her Volkswagen bug.

It was a stick shift.

She was a dexterous driver, and continued her amorous advances.

(Sorry, but what happened next will be in my memoirs.)


My room was located on the same street where Florence Becker Lennon lived.

In fact, it was right across the street.

She was a poet and biographer of Lewis Carroll.

The entire front of her house was covered with various posters and stickers of social protest.



When I moved out of my rank refuge, my next domicile was not much of an improvement.

It was a single room with paper-thin walls.

The name of these “apartments” was called The Shacks.

Again, the rent was modest: Only $45 per month.

The owner of The Shacks---and most of the property for a square mile or so---was a Mrs. Gold.

It was an apposite appellation.

On one side of my room lived a couple who were always making loud noises, usually ones of intimacy.

On the other side lived a former Shakespearean actor who frequently got drunk and recited the Bard’s words.

Somehow I was able to get some sleep.

One morning I woke up, and my entire floor was a lake of water.

My water heater had broken.

Life is sweet, but many of my dwellings were not.



IT'S THE SMELL STUPID!

BARACK OBAMA'S POLL IS GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER BUT THE CRAZY ELDERLY & BORDERLINE SENILE FREAKY OTHER CANDIDATE'S ISN'T

SARAH PALIN’S ROLE’S
GETTING
CUTER AND CUTER

***

Blinking

Senator

McCain’s

Winking

Glossy

&

Dressy

Running

Mate

Has been

Impaling

The

Electorate

With

Her

Trite

Tripe

And

Trendy

Trashy

Hype

But

This

Aerial

Animal

Killer

Is

The

Last

Person

We

Need

To

Be

The

Commander

In

Chief

Of

The

United

States.

Please!!!

Give

Us

Hope

And

Not

Another

Doggone

Dope!!!


IT’S THE OIL STUPID!

OOHING AND AAHING IN THE DOLDRUMS WITHOUT TRANSCRANIAL MAGNETIC STIMULATION

I am in a doldrums.

I don’t write unless a spark ignites the fires of my imagination.

Is this inflammatory language?

You can see by what I have just written that it is one of those days.

I’m trying to be funny to substitute for a paucity of substance.

You’re right, I could have written “for a lack of substance” instead of “for a paucity of substance”.

I use larger words or clever ones to compensate for not having much to say.

Hmmm…this reminds me of what politicians do.

If the “spirit” moves me, then I can get my body to move.

(I thank God every day that it still moves)

I will, however, in a motley manner write about a few things, just, I suppose, to have something to write about today.

I will try to be brief like a candle…or a sneeze.

These are some things that I have read or heard recently….and in no logical order of importance.

Argentina now relies very little upon petroleum products and insecticides when it comes to its agriculture.
Its cattle industry is thriving.
Cows eat the grass for three years---
Do a lot of pooping and peeing---
Then the land on which they have grazed and mooed is used to grow other crops.
The nitrogen-rich soil is perfect to raise these other crops.
Argentina has some of the best beef in the world.
Talk about going...
Green!
We gringos ought to go there.


I have always wondered why I or anyone else would (stoop so low?) as to believe that we descended (or ascended?) from apes.
I am teaching 11th grade English, and I pondered this thought while reading about Puritanism, Rationalism (Classicism), and Romanticism.
I have always put my money on the dolphin as my more proximate ancestor, instead of the ape.
Then, yesterday, I read about the aquatic ape hypothesis.
Wikipedia will tell you about it.
This AAH might be called the “sink or swim” theory of evolution.
It definitely has me “Aahing”.


I am about to hear Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tell us how this election may have more voter fraud than the first selELECTION.
(Sell...election?)
There's a commercial.
I’m going to the refrigerator to get some ambrosia fruit salad and Dutch apple pie.
I’ll summarize what I hear when I return.
Here it is.
Thirteen words (and then a few others):
VOTER SUPPRESSION.
WHOLESALE PURGING OF VOTES.
KICKING PEOPLE OFF OF THE VOTER ROLLS.
(Read “Block The Vote” in the current Rolling Stone magazine.)
Can this election be stolen?
In one word:
YES.


Alien Hand Syndrome.
This was one of the most fascinating news reports that I have ever read.
Too bad that I spilled coffee all over the article.
But I strongly recommend that you find out what it is.
Then think about the eerie similarities between the George W. Bush presidency and the Alien Hand Syndrome.


Oregon:
The West coast taint.
It taint Washington.
It taint California.
(Thank you Stephen Colbert)


O WORD, WORD wherefore art thou WORD?
I wrote this with the Bard’s help.
I love words and I enjoy writing.
Here are a few words that recently had me asking wherefore:

1. HOLY MOLY

On the moly part:
In mythology, an herb of magic powers like in Homer’s Odyssey; or a wild, garlic-like plant (Alium moly) of the lily family.”

On the holy part:
Holy from Old English halig, meaning: “dedicated to a religious purpose, spiritually revered.”

Holy moly was an exclamation of the character ‘Captain Marvel,’ from comic books first written by Bill Parker and C. C. Beck in 1940.
Holy moly is a rhyming compound (cf. killer-diller, legal eagle, etc.), and is maybe an euphemism for holy Moses that's used as an oath.



2. BARF

To vomit or retch.
1960.
American English slang.
Possibly Onomatopoeic.
And speaking of euphemisms, how about this one:
Barf bag: air sickness pouch.
1966.
How appropriate.
This was the year that I graduated from high school.

[When I visited Japan, I learned that snow in Japanese is barf = (日本語; n.-嘔吐)

And I have just learned that barf also means snow in Persian برف (Tajik and Uzbek).
I’m not giving you a barf job.


3. SLEAZY

Sleazy.
1644.
Hairy, fuzzy.
Later "flimsy, unsubstantial"
(of unknown origin).
1670.
One theory traces it to Silesian (of the eastern German province of Silesia) (Ger. Schleisen), where fine linen or cotton fabric was made (Silesia in ref. to cloth is attested in England from 1674.)
Sense of "sordid" is from 1941.
Sleaze (n.) as condition of squalor.
1967.
Meaning "person of low moral standards” both as an adjective and noun.
1976.


Finally, here are two more news items that caught my eyes:

October 21, 2008:
Congress has canceled Pentagon plans to buy and launch two commercial imagery satellites to fill out its network of classified spy craft, according to military and space industry officials. They also wiped out the remaining 2008 funds.
THE EXACT AMOUNT
IS…
CLASSIFIED!


October 21, 2008:
The government has approved the first noninvasive brain stimulator to treat depression---
A device that beams magnetic pulses through the skull.
The woodpecker-like pulses trigger small electrical charges that spark brain cells to fire.
(Like what happens when I’m not writing stuff such as this.)
It’s Transcranial magnetic stimulation or TMS.
(Like TM…Transcendental Meditation…but it has a lot more STIMULATION!)

FIN




IT'S THE OIL STUPID!

READING BETWEEN THE LINES

Radio Address
October 18, 2008

[This is an abridged version]

THE PRESIDENT:
Good morning. Our Nation is dealing with a serious financial crisis.
[And thanks to the dirty dealers, you now have to deal with the crisis]

Over the past month, Americans have witnessed fast-moving events involving complicated financial issues.
[Events that have been brewing during my regime and before it]

I know many of you are concerned about your finances.
[And your money…but you can always dump your fiancées]

The federal government has responded to this crisis with systematic and aggressive measures to protect the financial security of the American people.
[This security is mainly for rich CEOs who have practiced their unbridled usury… in a nation that was already de-Constitutionalized and decapitated by me.]

These actions will take more time to have their full impact.
[But it will be enough time for me and Laura to escape to Paraguay]

Earlier this month, Congress passed bipartisan legislation authorizing the Treasury Department to use up to $700 billion to help banks rebuild capital.
[The operative word is “use up”, because it’s our power of usury that will continue to use up your tax dollars]

This week, I announced that the Treasury will use a portion of that money to inject capital directly into banks by purchasing equity shares.
[Inject. Like drugs…but not sharing the needles]

This new capital will help banks continue making loans to businesses and consumers.
[So that you can continue to shop until you drop]

I know many Americans have reservations about the government's approach, especially about allowing the government to hold shares in private banks.
[But the government has held natives in reservations for a long time]

As a strong believer in free markets, I would oppose such measures under ordinary circumstances.
[Free markets? That sounds like socialism]

Had the government not acted, the hole in our financial system would have grown larger, families and businesses would have had an even tougher time getting loans, and ultimately the government would have been forced to respond with even more drastic and costly measures later on.
[Such as martial law and internment camps]

So I decided that government had to move, but that government's involvement in individual banks had to have prudent limits.
[Just as I have to have limits on how many prunes I can eat]

The government's involvement is limited in scope. The government will not exercise control over any private firm, and federal officials will not have a seat around your local bank's boardroom table.
[Or around your kitchen table]

I know many of you are also concerned about the price tag of this rescue package.
[Just as you are also concerned about the price tag for my rescue package in Mesopotamia]

Ultimately, we believe the final cost will be significantly less than the initial investment.
[Just as we believed the final cost of the Iraq war would be significantly less]

We're a country where all people have the freedom to realize their potential and chase their dreams.
[You have to chase your dreams, because my rich friends and I have been making them run away from you at very high speeds]

This promise has defined our Nation since its founding…
[And during my floundering and fabricating]

Thank you for listening.
[And obeying]



IT'S THE OIL STUPID!

WORDS THOUGHT BUT NEVER SPOKEN DURING THE FINAL DEBATE

“They’re angry, angry, angry.”
[And Sarah and I have made them so]

“I’ll use a hatchet…then I’ll get a scalpel.”
[But a laser would be less invasive]

"I know how to save billions.”
[And Cindy knows how to spend millions]

“It’s completely out of control.”
[And so is my campaign]

“Americans are hurtin…and they’re angry…they want a new direction…”
[My friends, if I’m elected I will become a circle]

“I’ve got the scars to prove it.”
[I hope I’m not using this torture thing too much]


“The tone of this campaign
could have been very different.”
[But when you’re losing you have to change the tone]

“We will run a truthful campaign. This is a tough campaign.”
[But if the truth runs away that’s just tough]

“She’s a reformer.”
[…a nimrod…a slayer]

“Americans have gotten to know Sarah Palin.”
[They know that she doesn’t know very much and she doesn’t want you to know it]

“She’s a “freath” of “bresh” air.”
[After all, she comes from Alaska]

“Her husband is a pretty tough guy, too.”
[But is he as tough as a moose?]

“She’s excited the base in the Republican Party.”
[And their excitement has turned pretty base]

Why can’t we have more transparency?
[Like an amoeba]

“Canadian oil is fine.”
[I like Canola oil myself]

“Wind…solar…natural gas…wind…solar…natural gas…”

[Nuclear pants…]

“I so much admire Senator Obama’s eloquence…”
[That I’m jealous]

“We have to drill now.”
[Maybe I should have been a dentist]

“I am a free trader.”
[Not a terroristic traitor]

“Free trade with Columbia is a no-brainer.”
[But my friends, I have a head that can make us billions]

“Senator Government…Senator Obama…”
[I should have practiced my lines more]

“We’ve got too much government and too much spending.”
[Thanks to eight years of a BURNING BUSH]

“Education: It’s the civil rights issue of the twentieth century.”
[Or twenty-first]




IT'S THE OIL STUPID!

THE CAMPAIGN

Smears
Sneers &
Jeers

Of

Hateful
Violent
Threats

Of

Lynch
Mob
Mentality

From

Rabid
Right-Wing
Nuts

With

Shrugs
Lies
& Tugs

From

Bugs
Thighs
&
Jugs

Of

Obtuse
Moose
& Ruse


IT'S THE OIL STUPID!

HORSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR

ADAM: I don’t know about you Eva, but that stallion just doesn’t look right to me.
EVA: Why? What’s he doing?
ADAM: Well, it seems like he’s actually muttering to himself.
EVA: Yes, I see what you mean.
ADAM: I’ll go get my parabolic microphone so we can hear what the heck he’s “saying”.
EVA: I’ll go get my cam recorder to catch it on film as we listen.

[ADAM and EVA return with their recording equipment]

ADAM: Ready?
EVA: Yes.

[RECORDING begins]

STALLION: I just can’t believe that I’m a talking horse! Maybe I'll call myself Ed. I overheard the doctor say that I was the result of genetic engineering. I’m like a centaur, but without a human head.
ADAM: Holy smoke! Did you hear that?
EVA: Yes! Yes!
ADAM: Don’t tell anyone. This horse is the ticket that'll take us from rags to riches.
EVA: Right. What should we do next?
JACK: Find out who owns him, then we'll make his owner an offer that can’t be refused!
EVA: Giddy-Up!



IT'S THE GENES STUPID!

READING BETWEEN THE LIES

October 7, 2008

President Bush Discusses Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008
Guernsey Office Products, Inc.
Chantilly, Virginia
October 7, 2008

[A VERY ABBREVIATED VERSION]


THE PRESIDENT:
Thank you all.
[Some of my favorite products are inside the Oval Office]

(Applause.)

I'm pleased to be here at Guernsey Office Products. You sell everything from office supplies to coffee products to furnishings.
[I like things that is furry. That’s why I don’t like armadillos.]


There's no doubt that people from all walks of life and all aspects understand that we're having serious times.
[Except those whose lives have been enriched by me and Dick with our deceitful war in Iraq for oil]

Families are squeezed by the high price of gasoline, and feeling the pinch of food prices and monthly mortgage payments.
[This squeeze is as strong as a python …and the pinch will eventually feel like an alligator is biting down on your eyeballs]

Workers are anxious about whether their paychecks will stretch
[As much as their stomachs and livers]

Some workers are anxious about whether or not they're going to keep their jobs.
[Or find any]

No question the times are tough, but no question America will emerge.
[Just like UFOs do up in the clouds]

The immediate challenge facing the economy is a lack of credit.
[But there is no lack of credit coming from me for this crisis]

Thank you.
[Now…go shop until you drop.]



IT'S THE OIL STUPID!

McCAIN MANTRA

My friends…
My friends…
I can fix this country…
I can get the job done…
I will get Osama bin Laden…
I know how to win the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
My friends…
I can change what Bush has done to us.
I have worked with both sides of the aisle, and my running mate will, too.
Sarah Palin knows how to govern…
Sarah Palin knows how to wink.
Sarah Palin knows how to hunt.
To me, Sarah Palin is like my hero Teddy Roosevelt...
With lipstick on…
Wearing a dress.
My friends…
I will drill for you…
Sarah Palin will drill for you.
My friends...
With your help…
We will take America back.
You can write me a check, now...
Or go to my web site and make a contribution with your credit card.
My friends…
Thank you very much!


IT'S THE OIL STUPID!

THE TRIAL

Except for the Nixon impeachment hearings, I have never watched and listened to anything as closely as I did the O.J. Simpson murder trial.
I know.
Sickening.
Pathetic.
Was I crazy?
Or just sickeningly and pathetically (and morbidly)
Curious?
I was in my high school library when the O.J. Simpson murder trial’s verdict was read.
After months and months of watching and listening to lawyers argue;
After months and months of seeing DNA, blood and hour glasses fill up that
California courtroom, there was finally the verdict:
NOT GUILTY.
I couldn’t believe it.
All of that blood inside Simpson’s house and inside his vehicle.
The trial was so long that the obvious culpability became fuzzy even when the evidence was so overwhelming.
Now Mr. Simpson will have plenty of time to contemplate his past.
Inside a solitary prison cell.
No more golf greens.
Only himself and his conscience to play with.


IT'S THE SLAMMER STUPID!

THE DEBATE

Sarah Palin expatiated with plenty of platitudes, puffery, and cute little phrases.
Palin’s debating was strong in style; Biden’s was strong in substance.
Sarah Palin appealed to the emotions---and so did Biden---but Biden outdid Palin when he said things which required more of the intellect than that of a soft and cuddly solar plexus.
Biden stayed on point and on the points---Palin did not.
Joe Biden’s small and proximate eyes were nearly as bothersome as Palin’s winking eye and effervescent lips.
It is not sexist to say that Mrs. Palin exuded a feminine and fatuous exterior.
It is not chauvinistic to say that Mr. Biden displayed a masculine and less fatuous exterior.
Palin rarely made eye contact with Biden, but instead gave her stares as the concerned soccer (or moose-murdering hockey) mom.
Palin was not convincing when she said that she was for less government, when her running mate has endorsed the big government and overspending of George W. Bush’s bungling and exorbitant regime.
Joe Biden won.
Sarah Palin lost.

IT'S THE OIL STUPID!

BITING AND IMPALING

"To be very clear, there has not been any incursion in U.S. airspace in recent years."
Maj. Allen Herritage, a spokesman for the Alaska region of the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD), at Elmendorf Air Force Base.

"When you consider even national security issues with Russia,
as (Prime Minister Vladimir) Putin rears his head
and comes into the airspace of the United States of America, where ---where do they go?
It's Alaska."
Sarah Palin






REPORTER: Hello, Mrs. Palin. Are you looking forward to your debate with Senator Biden?
SARAH PALIN: Well, darling, maybe the question should be, "Is Senator Biden ready to go head to head with me."
REPORTER: You sound confident.
SARAH PALIN: You betcha.
REPORTER: Who is your sparring partner?
SARAH PALIN: Pardon me, darling…my what?
REPORTER: Is there someone who has been “playing” the part of Senator Biden to help you prepare and gear up for the debate?
SARAH PALIN: Well, no, but that’s a very good idea. I’ll tell my staff to find someone. I think everyone is out hunting either moose or wolves.
REPORTER: On this same subject, which animals do you prefer to hunt?
SARAH PALIN: All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.
REPORTER: Can you name a few?
SARAH PALIN: Darling, I have a vast variety of animals that I like to kill.
REPORTER: O.K. Well, just hours to go before you start impaling Joe Biden.
SARAH PALIN: Very funny. I guess you could also say that my debating opponent will be biting me.



IT'S THE OIL STUPID!